Awkward
by relic yuy
Summary: Series of ShuuRen oneshots where things happen & awkwardness ensues. UPDATE! A KazeshinixZabimaru ficlet that's probably a little weird.
1. What's In a Ring

"I'm hungry," Renji said while lounging on the sofa in Hisagi's office. It was lunchtime but Shuuhei was still working.

Shuuhei's eyes lit up as he looked at the clock.

"No!" Renji said before Shuuhei even had time to open his mouth.

"What?"

"We are not going to go eat Ōmaeda's leftovers!"

"Why not? It's…"

"I know it's free but it's embarrassing and degrading!" Renji said getting off the sofa and walking over to Hisagi's desk.

"You're turning into a snob. Too much time with Kuchiki Taichou."

"Shut up!" Renji crossed his arms defensively over his chest. "I am not a snob, I'm just not a scrap dog."

"But Renji," Shuuhei said in his Rukia sweet voice, "How will I buy you presents if I have to take you out to eat as well?"

"Shut up, asshole! Don't talk like that. What am I, a girl?"

"I guess you don't want this then," Shuuhei said opening the top drawer of his desk to reveal a small box wrapped ribbon.

"You got me a present?" Renji asked, half disbelieving and half ecstatic. He reached for the little box but Hisagi snapped the drawer shut causing Renji to snatch his hand back quickly. "What the hell, Hisagi? You could have taken my fingers off."

"As you said, you're not a girl…"

"Give me my present," Renji demanded.

"Oh but I can't Renji-kun. I have to return it now so I can afford to take you out on a proper date," Shuuhei's Rukia voice was back.

"I said shut it! Screw what I said, I want my present."

Shuuhei said nothing but opened the drawer again. Renji lowered his hand towards the box keeping a wary eye on his lover then snatched the box up quickly. Shuuhei rolled his eyes.

"What is it," Renji asked tugging on the ribbons.

"A ring," Hisagi said lightly.

"A… ring?" Renji said, his fingers frozen on the box.

"That's what I said."

"You... You got me a ring? Hisagi… don't you think… ummm… we haven't been… I mean…"

"So are you going to open it or what?" Shuuhei asked in a bored tone.

Not quite sure how to string a proper sentence together, Renji could only stare at the box before him. A ring was a HUGE deal. They had never even discussed anything like this before. They had never even had serious conversation outside of work related things before! What was Shuuhei doing getting him a ring? Although a tiny part of him was curious to see said ring, so he did all that he could do. Slowly Renji pulled the lid off and peeked inside.

"Ummm… Hisagi, what is this?"

"What are you, slow? I already told you it's a ring!" Hisagi said, slightly annoyed.

"What the hell kind of ring is it? I won't even fit on my hand."

"It's not supposed to fit on your hand," Hisagi was calm once again.

"Eh?" Renji was confused but he quickly recovered. "What are you cheaping out on my presents too? Aren't rings supposed to be made of gold or silver or some shit? Who the hell wears a leather ring?"

"You will," Shuuhei said as calmly as ever, signing his name gracefully on a document.

"How the hell am I supposed to wear it? It'll fall right off of my finger, it's huge!"

"I told you, it doesn't go on your finger. I'm not asking you to marry me or anything," Shuuhei said with a teasing grin.

Renji flushed and looked away. "So what the hell am I supposed to do with it then?"

Standing and placing himself in front of Renji, Shuuhei leaned close and whispered in a voice that dripped sex, "What else do you expect to do with a cock ring?"

* * *

AN: Short, I know but it was just something floating around in my mind. Hope you liked. Review please!


	2. Making Love

It had to be because of the rain still falling in loud, heavy drops that day but today had been a particularly lazy day. Renji had greeted the gray morning with a frown. Of all the days it could rain, it had to be on his day off. It wasn't so much that it was only his day off really but it was the first time in months that his day off had coincided with Shuuhei's day off. But of course, the world was against him and while it should have been a day for celebration, the accursed clouds had decided to tear themselves open and pour themselves down very unceremoniously upon his head.

Renji hadn't even bothered containing his irritation and had stomped the entire way to Shuuhei's place cursing aloud and looking like a madman to anyone within sight. When he had finally made it to Shuuhei's place, he was soaked through and through. Even his loin cloth felt wet. Shuuhei had him strip of his dripping clothes and shoved him towards the tub while he lamented his newly cleaned floor. Renji was grumbling in the tub about his shitty day off when Shuuhei had walked in and began to undress. Suddenly Renji didn't mind rainy days so much. After a long soak in the tub, an afternoon of idle chit chat, naps, snacks and other fun bed activities, Renji really couldn't imagine a better way to spend a day off.

Now, lounging on his stomach with his head pillowed on his arms crossed arms, Renji sighed in contentment. The rain was still pattering on the rooftop but the sound was soothing. What a perfect day. Glancing over, he noticed Shuuhei's expression was much more intense than his own.

"You're thinking about work aren't you?" Renji said. It wasn't so much a question. Renji already knew the answer.

"I'm going to have so much to do tomorrow. It's like this every time I take a day off, the paperwork alone is..."

"Shut up, I don't want to hear about it. You're ruining my perfect day. Figures I would fall in love with a workaholic asshole like my Taicho."

"You're in love with me?" Shuuhei asked, a small smile tugging at his lips.

Renji blushed to a deep crimson but jutted his chin out defensively. "So what if I am?"

Shuuhei laughed. "I don't know if that's a compliment or what."

"What the hell does that mean?" Renji demanded.

"You just compared me to your Taicho. What else should I think?"

"Because you're a workaholic, not because I'm secretly lusting after him or something."

"Riiight," Shuuhei said with a smirk. "And I am not a workaholic."

Renji howled with laughter.

"What?" Shuuhei snapped.

Renji chuckled a little more before answering. "You were thinking about work, on your day off, after we just made love."

Shuuhei rolled his eyes. "Don't call it that. It's sounds so…"

"What gay? Because sucking each other's cocks is very straight and drilling you up the ass is very straight as well."

"I drilled _you_ up the ass."

"Whatever. You still made all those dirty, sexy sounds."

"Pervert."

"Said the guy with the 69 tatooed on his face."

"I wasn't going to say gay, stupid. _Making love_ sounds… idiotic and mushy."

"Nah. It's romantic," Renji said with a dreamy smile.

"Great," Shuuhei groaned. "I'm in love with a sappy idiot."

Renji grinned so wide Shuuhei thought his face would split open.

"What?"

"You're in love with me?" Renji asked.

Now it was Shuuhei's turn to blush. "Yeah, so?"

"Nothing," Renji said, pressing his lips together but he couldn't quite suppress the smirk.

"WHAT?" Shuuhei snapped, annoyed and embarrassed.

"I told you we were making love."

* * *

AN: Again, another short piece. I have no grand scheme or plotline for these two. Just little bits and pieces. Reviews please. Also, thank you to Login is an hard work for reviewing my last piece. I do like to thank everyone who takes the time to review so if you login next time I can send you a small note of appreciation.


	3. Caught

Summary: Renji tried to explain himself out of an awkward situation. Implied adult situations and one swear word.

* * *

Rukia: Renji!

Renji: GAH! Rukia, it's not what it looks like!

Rukia: Oh, I can't wait to hear this. Alright. Tell me, Renji, why are you both naked?

Renji: It was… hot.

Rukia: Of course. As it always is in the middle of the winter. Why are you sweaty and panting?

Renji: We were… wrestling.

Rukia: Wrestling. I see. Naked?

Renji: Uh… Greek wrestling.

Rukia: Greek wrestling? And the oil is for...?

Renji: Authenticity.

Rukia: Authenticity! Wow, you two have been spending a lot of time together. No way you could have come up with a word like that on your own.

Renji: Shut it, midget!

Rukia: You are in no position to get mouthy with me. Speaking of positions, why are you carrying Hisagi-san?

Renji: He got hurt.

Rukia: From the wrestling.

Renji: Uh, yeah.

Rukia: Why are his legs wrapped around you?"

Renji: For extra support. He's heavy.

Shuuhei: Hey!

Renji: Shut up.

Rukia(smirking): He must be pretty heavy for you to be using all your appendages to keep him up.

Renji(confused): Ape… wha?

Shuuhei whispers something to Renji that Rukia can't hear but she can guess what it is.

Renji: Oh!

Rukia: Hisagi-san, I hope that have a better lie prepared?

Shuuhei: Matsumoto secretly mixed an aphrodisiac in our tea at lunchtime. These are the results.

Rukia: Well, that at least is believable. Although, I doubt Nii-sama will be very sympathetic. Especially considering you're in his office.

Shuuhei: He's in a captains only meeting. We're safe.

Rukia (smirks): Feel that? It would seem that the meeting is over.

Renji: Oh shit!

Shuuhei: We're going to die.

Renji: Definitely going to die.

Rukia(rolls her eyes): Pull yourselves together. Leave it to me.

* * *

Rukia: Nii-sama! I have wonderful news! I've been chosen to play Juliet in the school play! Ichigo will be playing Romeo. I just wanted to share the good news before I left. Ichigo wants to practice the kissing scene tonight.

Byakuya: Absolutely not! I forbid it!

Rukia: But Nii-sama, Sensei said that I was the best actress in the class.

Byakuya: That may be so but that _boy_ is not to put a finger on you!

Rukia: But Nii-sama, Ichigo is very nervous about this particular scene. He says we have to practice and practice and practice until we get it perfect. He even said we should practice straight through the night, if we have to. I was a little surprised by his determination but it sure is admirable, isn't it? Nii-sama, where are you going?

Byakuya: To have a word with that Kurosaki boy.

Rukia: Nii-sama, why have you unsheathed your sword?

* * *

Shuuhei: I can't believe that worked…

Renji: I can't believe Kuchiki Taicho fell for such crappy acting.

Shuuhei (admiringly): No wonder you love her, she's great!

Renji (proudly): She is pretty great, isn't she?

Shuuhei: Kurosaki is going to get his ass kicked.

Renji: Oh yeah! But hey, better him than us.

Shuuhei: Well, now that Kuchiki Taicho is going to the real world...

Renji: I like where you're going with this...

* * *

AN: Thank you for reading. Also a special thanks to Anise for her review. I agree there is not enough of this pairing out there so here is my contribution. Perhaps others will be inspired to share some stories of their own.


	4. First Impression

Summary: Abarai Renji's first encounter with Hisagi Shuuhei. Awkwardness ensues...

AN: Not my best piece. I know. I'm a little disappointed with this one but I thought I might post it anyway. I accept criticism as long as you can give me a reason for your opinion. I would appreciate it with this one because I feel like I've underachieved with it. Thanks.

* * *

"Oi, what are you staring at?" Renji asked poking Rukia in the ribs.

"Nothing!" Rukia yelped a little too quickly. "I wasn't staring!"

Following her line of sight, Renji frowned at the student that had caught her attention. He was standing across the courtyard, next to a big maple tree and flipping through his notes. He had the air of a teacher, yet he was dressed in the regular students uniform. It was the same colour as his own so he must be in the first class also, but Renji couldn't remember having seen him before.

"What's so interesting about him?"

"Nothing, I was just looking at the… um, tree behind him."

"You're a shitty liar."

"Am not! I am a wonderful liar."

Renji grunted. He glared at the student a little off in the distance. He wasn't jealous. Not at all. It's just that he felt it was his duty to protect Rukia from perverts and he knew for a fact that most guys were perverts. It was Renji's duty as her long time friend and her makeshift family to screen any man that dared approach her. With his height, build and temper, that had never been a problem. So what was so great about _this_ guy? Tall, dark spiky hair, pale skin… except for something on his face. Renji couldn't quite make it out from this distance.

"What's that on his cheek?"

"A tattoo," Rukia grinned dreamily.

"Of what?"

"The number 69."

"69! What the hell? You stay the fuck away from him!"

"Idiot. Do you expect me to be a virgin for the rest of my life?"

"Yes! And never say that word again!"

"What vir..." Rukia was cut off by Renji's big hand slapped over her mouth. Swatting it away she stepped out of his reach. "Besides, he wouldn't be interested in me."

"Why not?"

"I thought you wanted him to stay away from me!"

"I want you to stay away from him! Why wouldn't he be interested? Does he think he's too good for you? I'm going to kick his ass!"

"Aww, Renji!"

"Shut up!"

"Well, before you go and challenge the head student to a fight you probably want to consider that Hisagi is not so much into girls. "

"What... oh... Oh! Wait! So why are you checking him out?"

"Look at him! He's gorgeous."

"Whatever, he's nothing special," Renji scoffed.

"Jealous, Renji?"

"Don't you have a class?" Renji snapped.

"Relax, I'm going."

Rukia picked up her bag, gave Hisagi a final glance and headed down the hall. Renji glared at the man even harder. Seriously? What was so special about this guy anyway? He was okay at best... Stupid tattoo. How full of himself was this guy? Was he gloating about how good in the sack he was or was he just an idiot? Stupid tattoo. How good could this guy be anyway. He sure as hell wasn't shy about it either was he? It was right there on his face! You couldn't miss it. Wasn't it enough that he was naturally gorgeous, he had to go and rub it in everyone's face that he was hot and good in the sack? Smug bastard. Wait a minute! Had Renji just called this man naturally gorgeous? What the fuck was wrong with him? Great, now he was lusting over some pretty, punk boy.

"Enjoying the view," Rukia's voice snapped him out of his daze.

Renji nearly jumped out of his skin. "Don't do that! Aren't you supposed to be in class?"

"I forgot my book. Told you he was hot."

"Who is this guy anyway?"

"Only the top student in the Academy!"

"Really? Him?"

"You can't judge a book by it's cover, Renji. Even if he does have the sexy bad boy image going for him, he excels in all his courses. They say he just got back from doing a mission for the Gotei 13."

"A student?"

"That's how good he is," Rukia smirked. It was so easy to rile Renji up.

"Stop saying shit like that! And didn't I tell you never to say sexy?"

"You told me never to say virgin."

"Gah! Stop!"

Rukia sighed dramatically. "You should get to class. You will get punished if you're late again."

Rukia walked away with a wave. Renji looked back to where this Hisagi guy was but he was nowhere to be seen. The bell rang and Renji cursed. He was going to be in trouble for showing up late again. Damn it! He grabbed his things and considered running to his class but decided that getting in trouble for running in the halls was no better than getting in trouble for being late. He settled for walking briskly to his class. He was only a little late, he might be able to sneak in un-noticed... or not. The back door was never locked but of course today it would be. There was nothing for it, he would have to use the front door. Renji was ecstatic to find that it was unlocked but his joy was short lived. He gave it a few shoves with his hands but it was stuck. This door was always stuck. The only way to get it open was to give it a good shove with your shoulder. Taking a few steps back Renji charged just as the door swung open. Renji immediately noticed the tattooed cheek but he was unable to stop. There was a loud crash, followed by a thud and finally the eerie silence of the classroom.

Renji had fallen face first onto something warm and firm and smelled intoxicatingly good. He pushed himself up a little then froze as he realized he was lying atop of the Hisagi guy he had been staring at just minutes ago. From this proximity, Renji finally understood what Rukia was staring at. This man was gorgeous! His pale, flawless skin contrasted the dark spiky hair, his jawline was strong and masculine, his lips full and pink, his dark eyes peaking at him from beneath long thick lashes were... infinite. And that tattoo! Damn it was giving Renji all sorts of wicked thoughts. It didn't help that the man was sprawled beneath him, his hard, toned body pinned down by Renji's taller frame. He didn't know how long he stayed there just staring at this man because it felt to Renji like time was standing still. In reality it couldn't have been more than a minute but Hisagi stayed calm and he cleared his throat.

"Red hair. You must be Abarai Renji."

"Uh... y...yeah."

"Glad you could make it, Abarai. Now if you don't mind, get off of me."

Renji flushed hard and jumped up onto his feet. Fuck! The man had the sexiest voice he had ever heard, it was making him stupid. He must look like a complete moron. _Great first impression, Abarai,_ he thought. Ignoring the giggles from the classroom and bent down to help Hisagi up but Hisagi was sitting up at the same time and their foreheads crashed together. The class erupted in laughter. Renji wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Hisagi waved him away and stood on his own. He turned to the class who's laughter ceased immediately. Rubbing his head and sighing, Hisagi turned his attention back to the red head who had plowed into him.

"The door was stuck," Renji explained defensively.

"If you had been here on time, the door would have been open," Hisagi said. "Even though I am a student teacher, I still expect the same respect and punctuality you would show Sensei."

"Of course, Senpai!"

"You won't mind staying after class to help with the clean up, will you Abarai?"

Renji nodded and ducked to the back of the class. He slipped into his seat silently. Kira and Hinamori gave him sympathetic looks but Renji could still hear the muffled snickers and giggles from his other classmates. Bastards! Irony bites, he thought. He had been late because he had been so busy gawking at Hisagi and when he finally made it to class, he tackled the man into the floor. Not an entirely unpleasant experience mind you but it was embarassing and now he had to stay after class to help with the clean up... He had to stay... After classn while all of his peers left... To help Hisagi Senpai with the clean up... Well that wasn't so bad at all. Maybe he should be late more often!


	5. Sex God!

Summary: Shuuhei never would have been a death god if he wasn't a sex god first.

* * *

"How have you never worked in a whorehouse?" Renji gasped one night, falling back onto the pillows.

"Who says I never worked in a whorehouse," Hisagi smiled, his clever tongue still tracing patterns over his lovers nipples.

Renji propped himself up onto an elbow to look at his lover incredulously. "You were a whore?"

"No, no," Hisagi laughed. "Not a whore. I was too ugly to be a whore."

"There is no way in hell you have ever been ugly for a day in your life," Renji scoffed.

"Aww, you think I'm pretty," Shuuhei teased.

Renji growled at him.

"I know, it's hard to believe," Shuuhei continued, "but once upon a time, I was an ugly duckling."

"So why the hell would they want you in a whorehouse?"

"I cleaned the rooms after the clients left. Part of the job description was to stay out of sight. I was a short, skinny, squeaky voiced kid. My hair would always get in my way when I worked so I used to cut it by myself, with a semi- sharp knife, without a mirror. It was crooked and lopsided and always hideous. Oh, and my skin was all blotchy and red from the cleaning products we had to use. Trust me, I was an _ugly_ kid!"

"So how did you get so good in bed?"

"Flattery will get you at least another two rounds," Shuuhei smirked.

"No! No more tonight. I think it's broken," Renji said poking himself. Indeed, there were no signs of life.

"Aww, poor baby, "Shuuhei cooed. "Want me to kiss it better?"

Renji shoved him halfheartedly away. "You've done enough. How the hell can you want more?"

"You're very enticing," Shuuhei smiled teasingly. Although he was speaking the truth, he hoped the provocation would spark a blush in his usually belligerent lover.

"Whatever," Renji grunted, not taking the bait. "So, how did cleaning the floors turn you into a good fuck?"

"I said I was ugly that doesn't mean I was asexual. You think a kid can live in a place where you hear moaning and screaming all day long and not get curious? There were peepholes everywhere."

"You leaned from watching?"

"For awhile. One day I got caught watching by one of the clients. I almost pissed myself. If the boss ever found out I would have been skinned alive."

"So what happened?"

"He furthered my education."

"I thought you said you were ugly."

"I had started growing out of it at that point. One of the girls cut my hair for me. She wasn't good by any stretch of the imagination but she was a hell of a lot better than I was at it. And I had moved to laundry so I wasn't using the crap they gave us to clean the floor. My skin cleared up pretty quick. So I wasn't that bad anymore. Anyhow, he would come back to see me every couple of weeks, always brought me food so I started growing and gaining weight."

"So you were a whore."

"I was not! He didn't pay me. I went with him cause I was curious and horny. So anyway, long story short, the boss eventually found out and was pretty furious so the guy bought me, I guess and I worked for him for a little while."

"Poor Shuu," Renji said patting him on the head dramatically.

"Shut up," Shuuhei swatted at him. "Besides, I think I had it pretty easy compared to most. And look at me now, a sex god!"

"_Death_ god," Renji corrected.

"By day maybe," Shuuhei smiled conceitedly. "I never would have been a death god if I hadn't been a sex god first."

"What?"

"You must know that I failed the entrance test to the academy twice. How do you think I got in? And then how do you think I became a seated officer without being tested?"

"Shut up! Who?"

"That, my love," Shuuhei said, grinning evilly, "is a secret."

"Come on. I won't tell anyone."

"Nope, can't tell."

"I'll withhold sex until you tell me," Renji threatened.

Shuuhei burst out laughing. Like that could ever happen.

"Keep laughing asshole and you'll be bottoming exclusively for the rest of your life."

"Promises, promises…"

"It has to be a captain to have that kind of influence," Renji continued.

"Maybe."

"Shuuhei, tell me!"

"It's a sworn secret, Renji. I can't tell you."

"Why would you bring it up then!"

"To prove a point."

"What point?"

"That I'm a sex god."

"Fine, you're a sex god. Now tell me who!"

"Are you jealous my rebellious redhead."

"No, I'm not jealous…" A pause, then, "should I be?"

"No, he's not into long term relationships."

"He, huh?"

"Damn it. You sneaky bastard."

"Kyoraku Taicho?"

"No! Between Ukitake Taicho and all the women he chases, when would he find time for me?"

"Tousen?"

"No."

"Aizen?"

"Are you kidding me? Like I would still be alive to tell of it. You do remember Gin don't you?"

"Oh… really? They're... Since when?"

"Since before you joined the 5th."

"How did you find out?"

"Everyone knows. You're so oblivious sometimes," Shuuhei said affectionately.

"Urahara?"

"Urahara?" Shuuhei asked confused. "Why would you guess him?"

"Cause he's a pervert," Renji said like it was obvious.

"Well, no it wasn't him either. He had already been exiled for decades when I joined the academy."

"Is he still a Captain?"

"Stop!" Shuuhei growled.

"One more clue, please," Renji pouted.

"Don't use that puppy dog face on me! It won't work… stop… Renji… I… Fine! He's still a captain!"

"Damn, should have used the puppy dog face to get his name."

"Lazy bastard, there's only six left."

"Six? Oh right. I guess if it's not Kyoraku then it can't be Ukitake either… Hmmm… It's not Yamamoto is it?"

"Eww!"

"And not Komamura..."

"Ugh, Renji!" Shuuhei's face twisted in disgust.

"Oh thank heaven. I would never be able to fuck you again."

"Yeah," Shuuhei scoffed, "that would last until your next erection."

"Conceited bastard!"

"I'm not being conceited. I just know you really well."

"I'm going to assume it wasn't Kurotsuchi because the man is a freak."

"Damn. I thought I had distracted you."

"You don't know me that well then. It can't be Kenpachi because there's no way he would go through all that trouble for a good lay..."

"I'll have to find other ways to distract you then."

"Good luck. I already told you it's broken."

"We'll see..." Shuuhei smirked.

"It couldn't have been Hitsugaya Taicho because he wasn't a Captain back then… oh…"

"It's not all that broken..."

"I won't be distracted that easi… mmmm… I… mmm… who does that leave… fuck, Shuu…"

"If you insist."

"What am I supposed to tell Taicho when he asks why I'm limping tomorrow?"

"You fell down the stairs?" Shuuhei suggested.

"Right, like he would believe... Holy shit! It was Taicho!"

"You already know it's was a captain, Renji."

"No, not a captain, _my_ captain! You slept with Kuchiki Taicho."

"I will confirm no such thing," Shuuhei said.

"How the fuck didn't I see it before. The way you flirt with him, the things you get away with saying to him... That's why you invited him! And that's why he didn't slice you in half on the spot." (*)

"I admit to nothing," Shuuhei repeated.

"Fuck, that's hot!" Renji's eyes were twinkling naughtily now. "Tell me about it!"

"Are you deaf? I said I admit to nothing therefore I can tell you nothing."

"Fine, I'll tell you what I think happened and you tell me where I'm wrong!"

"I love it when you talk dirty," Shuuhei grinned. "But I can't do that either. It would go against my word."

"Fuck, Shuuhei! You can't tell me shit like this and not give me details!"

"I didn't tell you anything."

"Show me!" Renji said as if he had had an epiphany. "You can't tell me so show me!"

Shuuhei grinned triumphantly. "You are definitely going to be limping tomorrow."

"I'll cross that bridge when I get to it."

"What are you going to tell Kuchiki Taicho?"

"I fell down the stairs."

* * *

* Refers to the happenings in Reckless found here .net/s/4743406/1/Reckless

Reviews and criticism are welcome. Please be ready to back up your opinions. Thank you!


	6. Show Me Yours

Renji: So, can I see it?

Shuuhei: What, now?

Renji: Yeah. No time like the present.

Shuuhei: Here?

Renji: Why not? Show me yours and I'll show you mine.

Shuuhei: Uh… Yeah, okay but… don't laugh ok?

Renji: Why the hell would I laugh?

Shuuhei: Shut up! It's just… I don't really like it much.

Renji: Why not? What's wrong with it?

Shuuhei: There's nothing's wrong with it! I just don't think it suits me, that's all. It's kind of intimidating.

Renji: Really? I have got to see this then. Come on, whip it out already!

Shuuhei: Alright, alright! Calm down and I swear if you laugh I'll kick your ass! Ok, here it is.

Renji: …

Shuuhei: …

Renji: That's it?

Shuuhei: What the hell does that mean? Yes, that's it!

Renji: No, I didn't mean… It's nothing. I didn't mean anything by it. It's just…

Shuuhei: It's just what?

Renji: It's smaller than I thought it would be.

Shuuhei: W… What the hell? It's not small!

Renji: No. I never said it was small, I just expected it to be bigger… you know, since you said it was intimidating.

Shuuhei: It is intimidating! How can you say it's not intimidating? Look at it!

Renji: I am! It's nice… Don't get me wrong, it's great but I was just expecting something different.

Shuuhei: Not everyone can be a size whore like you!

Renji: Whatever. It's nice, Shuuhei.

Shuuhei: Humph…

Renji: No really, it reminds me of Ukitake Taicho's.

Shuuhei: When the hell did you see his?

Renji: He had it out this one time when I visited the 13th to see Rukia.

Shuuhei: He had it out? What was he doing with it?

Renji: Looked to me like he was cleaning it. We were by the hotspring.

Shuuhei: For no reason, right in the middle of the day?

Renji: No, I think he had just used it. Kyōraku Taicho was with him.

Shuuhei: I hear his is impressive too. Did he have his out?

Renji: No. I asked to see it but he said seeing Ukitake's was lucky enough. Said something about me not being able to handle both of theirs at the same time. Whatever that means.

Shuuhei: *glowering*

Renji: Don't be like that. Yours is perfect. I love it.

Shuuhei: Shut up! If you think mine is so disappointing, let's see yours then.

Renji: I never said I was disappointed!

Shuuhei: You didn't have to. Forget it, just show me yours.

Renji: Alright. Hey, step back a little, will you?

Shuuhei: Oh for the love of…

Renji: Just do it!

Shuuhei: Fine! Is this enough room to whip it out?

Renji: Should be… Okay… Oh, wait… Hold on, it's hard to pull out sometimes. Gets stuck… Oh, here we go!

Shuuhei: …

Renji: Well? Don't just stand there staring, you're making me nervous. What do you think?

Shuuhei: Mine is not small! Yours is just freakishly big. You can't compare them!

Renji: God damn it! I never said it was small! It's the perfect size for you!

Shuuhei: For me? So what it's not big enough for you?

Renji: Gah! Stop being so stupid!

Shuuhei: You know, just because yours is bigger, that doesn't mean it's better!

Renji: Fuck, Shuuhei! I never said it was!

Shuuhei: I'll bet I know how to handle mine better than you do yours!

Renji: Sounds like a challenge to me.

Shuuhei: Pervert! Pick up your big, clunky, cumbersome sword and come at me.

Renji: Yes, sir!

And that was the first time Renji and Shuuhei saw each other's shikai.

* * *

AN: Reviews please. Comments and critisism is always welcome. Thank you for reading.


	7. Niku Jaga

AN: I wrote this little piece after my second attempt at Niku Jaga, which is Japanese beef and potato stew. It turned out so much better the second time when I adjusted the ingredients and cooked the entire thing on an even lower heat than the first (which was already pretty low) anyhow, it turned out perfect this time and that got me thinking of Renji because he seems like the type to boil the entire thing in his impatience or hurry to eat. Enjoy!

* * *

Abarai Renji was watching nervously as Hisagi Shuuhei chewed thoughtfully on a piece of beef. The very same piece of beef he had been chewing on for the past three and a half minutes. Why wasn't he swallowing? It was just a lump of ground beef after all. There was only one explanation and if Shuuhei didn't want to voice it then it was up to him.

"You don't like it," Renji announced.

"I never said that," Shuuhei said looking mildly surprised.

"You're making weird faces."

"I am not."

"What's wrong with it?"

"There's nothing _wrong_ with it. It's just… You got impatient didn't you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well the beef is a bit tough," Shuuhei conceded.

"It's supposed to be that way!"

"The flavour hasn't really permeated the potatoes," Shuuhei continued.

"What's the point of different ingredients if everything tastes the same?" Renji grumbled crossing his arms over his chest.

"Some of the potatoes aren't cooked all the way through."

"They're fresher tasting that way!"

"It's a good effort Renji but you need to slow down. You were supposed to simmer the stew."

"I did! Wait… what does simmer mean?"

"Simmer is when you let it cook over low heat for a longer amount of time."

"Why the hell would I want to waste time like that? It only takes like 10 minutes if you bring the entire thing to a boil."

"Why? Because simmering gives you a rich, flavourful broth, tender, delectable beef and luscious, melt in your mouth potatoes."

"…"

"What?" Shuuhei asked, honestly confused.

"Can't you ever say anything without making it sound erotic?"

"I try not to," Shuuhei smirked. "It's more fun this way."

"Yeah, well… If you think you can do better, you do the cooking next time."

"I think I'm going to have to. I can teach you."

"Don't think you can manage without my expert help, huh?"

"Something like that."

* * *

_A few days later..._

"Why am I wearing this?" Renji frowned down at his apparel.

"It's your punishment for setting the dishrag on fire," Shuuhei said distractedly as he mixed the stew with a wooden spoon.

"How was I supposed to know you're not supposed to wipe oil while the stove is still on?"

"What did you think soaking up oil on a cloth and placing it near fire would do?"

"It wasn't that big of a deal," Renji scoffed.

"It wouldn't have been if you had dropped it in the sink instead of flailing it in the air and setting the entire kitchen on fire."

"Whatever, Shuu… It was just a little fire."

"A little fire is what I was using to cook the soup. What you caused took 2 people and 20 litres of soapy water to put out."

"There was no permanent damage. Besides, what does any of that have to do with me wearing a frilly pink apron?"

"Nothing at all. You just look adorable in it. Say cheese!"

*click*

* * *

Here is my recipe for Niku Jaga just so that you know how easy the recipe is.

Niku Jaga

1- Mix 1 cup of water with 3tbsp of soy sauce, 2tbsp sake or white wine & 4 sugar cubes.  
2- Saute 1 small sliced onion with 1/4lb of ground beef until almost brown. Drain fat.  
3- Lower heat to simmer and add broth from step 1  
4- Add chunks of potato until the broth just covers them. (about 2-3 medium potatoes)  
5- Simmer until potatoes are tender

Eat with rice. Also if you have a slow cooker, toss it all in and leave it alone for a few hours.

Reviews please! Good or bad, I take both. Thanks for reading.


	8. Cosplay

AN: A little Holiday Treat with our favorite Lieutenants.

* * *

"Where is it?" Ichigo growled in frustration throwing another handful of clothing over his shoulder.

Every garment in his closet was piled in a dangerously high and wobbly tower on his desk, the contents of his sock and underwear drawer had been aimed for the bed but had opted to land all over the floor instead, his backpack was spilled open on the foot of his bed and the laundry had been checked three times. He had even checked his Dad and sisters' rooms. There was nowhere else to look.

"Great," Ichigo sighed pinching the bridge of his nose. "It's too early in the morning for this kind of stress."

It was his very first day at his part time job and he had somehow already managed to lose part of his costume. He could have sworn he had left it on his desk. Yes, he definitely had, Renji had been poking at it like it would come to life yesterday when he had come over. Maybe Renji knew where it was... No, he was heading back to Soul Society this morning. A quick glance at the clock told Ichigo that Renji had probably already left and also that he didn't have much time to keep searching. What was he going to do? He couldn't show up to work without it. Already his winter break was turning out be a disaster.

Kon waltzed into his room with a manga tucked beneath one arm and wave of his stuffed paw. Paying no heed to the disastrous state of the usually spotless room, he maneuvered through the maze of discarded clothing and proceeded to hop onto the bed. As he flopped on his stomach to read his book, the blue Quincy cross stitched on the back of his head gave Ichigo an idea. He grabbed his cell phone and headed out the door.

* * *

_Meanwhile in Soul Society…_

"What is it?" Hisagi asked.

"A 'costume,' I think..." Renji said, holding said costume out for inspection.

"What do you do with it?"

"You wear it."

"How?" Hisagi asked taking it gingerly out of Renji's hands.

"I'm not too sure."

"Where did you get it?"

"It's Ichigo's."

"Really?" Hisagi paused in his investigation. "He doesn't seem the type to wear something like this."

"He said it was for the part-time job he got during the winter break."

"So why did you bring it here?"

"I thought we could play with it," Renji grinned at his lover.

"Is this what they call 'cosplay' in the real world?" Hisagi asked.

"Uh, yeah," Renji shrugged. "Sure it is."

"You're a kinky guy, Renji."

"You would know," The red head grinned cheekily.

"One of my favourite things about you, babe. So, are you going to wear it or am I?"

"I'm not sure where it's _supposed_ to go but I have a good idea of how I'm gonna wear it."

"Can't wait," Shuuhei said as he stretched back on the pillows and watched Renji disappear into the bathroom with the 'costume.'

* * *

_The following day..._

"Hey, Ichigo," Renji said as he climbed in through the window.

"Yo, Renji. I thought you went back to Soul Society."

"Yeah, I just came to give this back to you."

"You had it? What the hell, you could have asked! I had to get Ishida to make me another one. Whatever, I guess it can't hurt to have an extra. Did you need something else? I have to get to work soon..."

"What the hell are you wearing?" Renji asked. "And you say I have shit taste in clothing."

"Shut up! I told you I'm going to work!" Ichigo snapped. "Not like I want to wear this, you know."

Renji watched as Ichigo donned the garment he had just brought back and suddenly it all made sense.

"Oh! It's a hat!"

Ichigo looked at him like he had grown another head.

"Yeah it's a hat. What did you think…"

Renji was already halfway out the window.

"Later," he called out over his shoulder.

Ichigo watched him leave. "Wait! What did you think it was?"

He looked at his reflection in the mirror and his eyes grew frighteningly wide.

"Ewww!" Ichigo yelled as he yanked the elf hat off and whipped it across the room.

* * *

AN: A little late but what can you do? Happy Holidays everyone!


	9. Helpless

Renji whipped Zabimaru through the air, eyes dead set on his target. He missed by a fraction and growled before pulling the zanpakutou back and trying again. This time he was way off target and could feel himself getting more agitated by the second. He knew that he should stop and calm down, clear his head then try again but the stubborn part of his brain often dominated over the logical side. He pushed on as the unsettling voice within continued taunting him that there was no room for rest in the middle of battle. Renji yanked Zabimaru back with such force the blade came catapulting back faster than he anticipated. He barely managed to duck out of the way, the sharp blade slicing though his bandana and lodging itself into a nearby tree trunk.

"You need to calm down," came a voice from somewhere to his right.

"I know that without you telling me," Renji snapped before he realized who was talking to him.

Hisagi Shuuhei emerged from behind a tree. Renji sighed, defeated.

"Sorry, Senpai."

Hisagi laughed and walked over to where Zabimaru was stuck. He tucked the edge of his sword between the trunk and his friends blade and with a quick flick of the wrist had the sword dislodged. "You haven't called me that in a long time."

Renji took note of Hisagi's method. If Shuuhei hadn't shown up, Renji would have yanked and pulled at the blade until it came free. Probably cutting himself, hopefully only superficially, along the way. This was why he never came out of a difficult battle the victor, he thought. Everyone was right about him, he was just an idiot with a big sword.

"Kinda late to be training," Hisagi noticed.

"There's a lot of shit to do during the day," Renji said. "Why are you here? Did I disturb your meditation or something?"

Hisagi laughed. "No. There's... a lot of shit to do during the day."

"You're here to train too?"

Hisagi nodded.

"Why?" Renji asked, honestly confused.

"What kind of question is that?"

"You kicked that arrancar's ass and you killed Tousen. Why do you need to train?"

"I'm not like Ikkaku," Hisagi said. "Defeating my opponent doesn't satisfy me. I watched Tousen Taichou die by my blade and I still felt completely... helpless."

"Tch..." Renji growled, shoving is sword back into it's sheath. "You wanna know helpless, I went barrelling into Hueco Mundo to save the fucking day and you know what happened? I got my ass handed to me. Twice. And had to be rescued. Twice. Fuck that, 3 times if you count Ishida."

"If you went in the way you were attacking that tree I can understand why," Hisagi quipped.

"See, _that's _helpless! _You_ sliced through your enemy and barely had a scratch to show for it. _I_ couldn't fucking do anything right!"

Hisagi slammed Renji against a tree. "So sit back and do nothing," he challenged. "You're nothing but a hindrance anyway. Why don't you just stay in your room and hide for the rest of your afterlife."

Renji growled, his hand instinctively gripping the wrist fisting his collar. They stayed that way for several minutes, glaring, angry, daring the other to look away. And as suddenly as it began Renji's mouth split into a grin.

"You always knew what to do to make me feel better."

Hisagi let go of Renji's collar and took a step back. "Don't compare your definition of helpless to mine."

"What other definition is there?"

"Not having another choice."

Renji was quiet. He could certainly understand that, having to do something you didn't really want to for the sake of the other person. He smiled bitterly, a ghost of the smile he had conjured when Rukia told him about the Kuchiki adoption. Helpless is exactly how he had felt at that moment.

"Remember when I taught you kidou, back in the academy?" Hisagi asked, shifting the line of Renji's thoughts to another portion of his academy days.

"Yeah," Renji said with a slight blush. "How could I forget something like that."

"You're doing the same thing now. You know what you want but you don't have a plan of how you want to get it."

"I think its already accepted that I'm an idiot," Renji snipped.

Hisagi clocked him on the side of the head. "Don't talk back to your Senpai."

Renji huffed but didn't say anything else.

"I can help you," Hisagi continued.

"I can't keep relying on you," Renji protested. "I need to figure it out on my own. For once..."

"Shut up. I'm not working for free."

"Really," Renji grinned lecherously.

Again, Hisagi clocked him on the head.

"Ow! What?"

"I need your help too."

Renji's mouth fell open. "You want _my_ help?"

"Is that really so incredible?"

"Uh, yeah! What could I possibly teach you?"

"Bankai," Hisagi said. "Help me attain it."

Renji's mouth opened but shut immediately afterwards. The air hung thick around them. Renji wanted to ask. Hisagi had always seem terrified of his own strength. It was kinda scary the thought of this man wielding the full extent of his power. Renji could only imagine how scary the thought of it was to Hisagi himself. He wondered what could have brought on this sudden change of heart but if Hisagi wasn't willing to share, then he didn't want to be a brat and push.

"Why me?" Renji settled on asking.

"Why not?"

"That's it?" Renji growled, not bothering to conceal his irritation.

"You're strong, loyal and discreet when it counts so I trust you and you won't be disappointed in me if I fail."

"Don't say that. You can't possibly fail. But you know... Having bankai hasn't really helped me all that much so... wouldn't asking a Captain be better?"

"Everyone's busy. I don't want to be anyone's burden. You and I are in the same boat. We can rely on one another."

"Aww, so romantic," Renji grinned.

Hisagi rose his arm but Renji caught his wrist mid air.

"Thanks, senpai. We'll work hard together."

He was grinning his trademark Renji grin and as much as Hisagi tried to fight it, it was infectious. He smiled back.

* * *

AN: I'm finding it really sad that Renji and Shuuhei haven't been mentioned again since Rangiku said they went off to train after the war. There must be some good ShuuRen fodder in that. Here is my humble and tiny offering.

A great big thank you to Queen Celestia for betaing and being awesome :)


	10. Baby Got Back

Super short ficlet I thought up. Hisagi and Abarai are not in it per say but it still feels like an Awkward story so I thought I would post it here. KazeshinixZabimaru just seem like they would make a good pair. Not a happily ever after pair obviously but a fun, quirky sort of pair.

Kazeshini POV

* * *

Kazeshini isn't staring. Chimpette is uncouth, loud, obnoxious. She's got weird hair and sharp teeth and kind of has a rough voice. Sure she has a decent rack (with a beauty mark on her left breast, not that he'd been looking of course,) highlighted by that weird ass furry jump suit she wears dipping down below her navel... yeah, maybe that isn't so bad... Chains are kinda hot too... But what is up with that furry thing anyway? Why green? Who the hell has ever seen a green monkey? At least it matches her eyes. Kazeshini isn't really sure why he knows what colour her eyes are... Maybe because it's a welcome distraction from that horrible rose coloured haircut. Honestly, what's with that?

No trace of a lady in this one. But that's not such a terrible thing, he's never been much into the innocent girls. They always got on his nerves. Sweet, obedient, dutiful, drones without so much as a spark of life or excitement. Almost as bad as the sluts who used their bodies to get their way. He would never understand Hisagi's attraction to that big titted bitch. Fuck, just thinking about it made his blood boil. Hisagi really needed to grow some balls. How could he let that selfish, lazy bimbo wrap him around her little finger. He wasn't even getting any out of it either! What an idiot master he had. He would kick his ass good next time they trained.

Come to think of it, he hadn't seen much of her lately. Thank the gods for that, Haineko was as irritating as her master. He hadn't even seen that gloomy bastard either. What the hell was his name? Fuck, he couldn't remember and he didn't care enough to give it a second thought.

Lately Hisagi had been spending a lot of time with Renji, which has brought him here, staring at the odd pair in front of him. They are bickering again. About what, he had given up trying to figure out long ago. Every time he thinks he understands, they begin a fresh argument about something completely different. Damn, he's glad he is alone, despite Kazeshini's double blades.

"Big butt, big butt!" Snakey yells.

Another argument ensues. Kazeshini is starting to lose his temper. These idiots are so damn loud it's becoming impossible to ignore them.

"Will you two shut the hell up!" He snaps.

They both pause to look at him as though they've only just noticed he is there.

"What's your problem?" Snakey asks.

"My problem is you idiots are making my brain hurt."

"So, don't listen."

"Who the hell could not hear you deafening morons!"

"Don't talk to him like that," Chimpette flares.

"Now you give a fuck?"

"Don't pretend you understand our relationship just because you've been brooding in a corner for the past few days."

"What did you say, woman? You're in my damn house!"

"Renji told us to make nice," Snakey informs.

"Who the hell wants to make nice with you?"

"Well, it sure as hell wasn't our idea," Chimpette snaps.

"How obedient of you," Kazeshini grins evilly.

"Ugh! You... Aaahhhh! If Renji didn't like Hisagi so much I would kick your ass!"

"I'd like to see that," snorts Kazeshini. "Don't think I would go easy on you because you're a woman."

"Who the hell needs you to go easy on me? Don't underestimate me! I'm not some helpless damsel!"

"That much is obvious..."

"What did you say?" Chimpette growls through clenched teeth. *throb throb*

"Who would mistake your big mouth for a damsel?"

Chimpette lets out a infuriated growl and stomps off, muttering under her breath. As she does, her hair swishes around revealing just why Snakey calls her big butt and Kazeshini thinks there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that at all...

Snakey who has been silently watching the interaction, finally pipes up.

"Are you going to pull her hair too?"

Before Kazeshini can answer the chain is yanked and Snakey goes flying after Chimpette.

* * *

Thoughts thoroughly appreciated. :)

Ok so I just read this and my tenses were all over the place. I tried to fix it up. Let me know if I missed anything.

And this is probably obvious but the inspiration from this story comes from Sir Mix-a-lot's Baby Got Back. Seems like something Kazeshini would be into even if he would be unwilling to admit it. And he's certainly shown his sweeter side which incorporates Snakey into the mix as well. I think they would be cute. Maybe its just me...


End file.
